ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs