I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.