hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
cat vs inanimate object
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed