At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day