I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“You’d better run, egg!”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman