*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.