Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.