“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Simple enough.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
LA today:
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.