Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.