I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“How’s your day going?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?