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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂