Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife