[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer