Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.