Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
You Might Also Like
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A drum solo but on your face.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half