If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
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A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: