I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt