Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no