As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
This has made my week.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit