Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
the three genders
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.