Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Good news
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.