[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.