where’s Godzilla when we need him
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.