I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?