Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Have a lovely day 😊
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN