I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t