Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room