Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet