throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Guy who likes music
Ah yes. The three genders
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.