Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.