[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You Might Also Like
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
What even happened today?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.