Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Has there ever been a more American story?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
She was REALLY feeling it.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?