THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
You Might Also Like
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant