The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Jurassic park gets weird
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Hit me in the face with a bird
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Meat Cute
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for