If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Why are bridges so flammable.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM