When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Ok but actually
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude