Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The best plant holders?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
This will never not be funny 😭