Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do