Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
why I oughta
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Breaking news:
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE