My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer