[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
who did the taste test?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.