The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.