Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
You Might Also Like
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Received some very disappointing news today
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Sooo many times…..
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.