I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
🤣dope
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.