I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.