You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL