[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
ugh not again
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink