Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Taliband
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My blood type is b hungry.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*seductively eats two tums*
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato