Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*