No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people